"Watson, can you hear me?"

My roommates strongly urged me not to do something as incredibly toolish and self-important as start a blog. They fought valiantly to convince me that spewing my inane thoughts into the black shadows of the Internet would negate any redeeming qualities I may have once possesed and infirm my already challenged social status. They lost. I hereby plant my flag firmly in the soil of blogdom. Boldly, I forge ahead, intent upon uniting humanity and raising the moral discourse of our nation by achieving the following six humble objectives:

1. Win the War on Terrorism.

2. Derive a mathemetical proof that Yale Law School is an absurd fiction propagated by a vast alien conspiracy.

3. Cure cancer, AIDS, chronic toe fungus, and flat-footedness. (The latter two are of special interest to me)

4. Restore New Jersey to its proper place as America's favorite state.

5. End global warming by uncovering the location of the snow-globe wielding monkey who controls the world's weather.

6. Bring evildoers to justice, wherever they may lurk.

I look forward to advancing these common goals together with you, my fellow Americans. Our deadline is June 1st 2006. We must work together, because whether the next century will be one of hatred or harmony, poverty or prosperity, toil or triumph will depend on us. We must succeed. Otherwise the terrorists will have won.